Finding Compassion
I used to work for a boss who did not like to show her vulnerable side. She had fought long and hard to get where she was and that hadn’t happened through showing kindness or being weak. In truth, working for her was like working for a machine. She spat our orders, communicated in staccato tones and met every interaction with a poker face. The lack of compassion for herself meant that I lost faith in, and respect for, her until I eventually left the role in search of a more human experience.
Lack of compassion for ourselves means lack of compassion for others.
The problem with closing our hearts
Our egos protect us from feeling vulnerable and weak. But when we hide behind our egos – supressing the parts of ourselves we do not like – we close our hearts to who we truly are. We shut down our vulnerabilities and sensitivities to protect ourselves from harm. The walls go up and we feel safe. But what stops us from harm also stops us from caring for ourselves and others. The walls are up so high that no compassion or vulnerability can cross them. We fail to show people we care, and they cannot show they care in return. That is why we feel less human. That is why we behave like machines.
What we can do to change
It doesn’t feel good when our hearts are closed to compassion. We feel isolated, unsafe, fearful for our futures. We become detached, demoralised, dehumanised. But there are some simple steps we can take to find compassion in ourselves and others.
1. Are you sitting in victim energy?
Do you find yourself being drawn into the negatives of any given situation. Seeing only the harm, suffering or unfortunate of what has happened to you rather than observe that an event or circumstance has simply occurred. Determined not to see the potential opportunities, you fixate on being trapped or stuck or hopeless and refuse to consider perspectives other than your own.
This is sitting in victim energy and you can choose differently. You can respond to a situation with kindness to yourself. Remind yourself of your strengths, resourcefulness and ability to care about yourself and others. If your mind is whispering negative messages, label them as just thoughts and not who you are. And remind yourself of events and circumstances that prove that you are wholly capable, resourceful and kind. Negative messages gain strength if you fight them so don’t fight them, let them go. And welcome new thoughts that replace them.
When we shift ourselves out of victim energy, we make space for hearts to open.
2. Are you choosing drama and conflict?
Do you find yourself amidst constant conflict and drama? In the face of challenge, do you go on the attack, protecting your intentions and actions. Or do you go on the defensive, uncomfortable that others find fault in, or blame, you? Or do you retreat completely, avoiding confrontation and choosing to sit in the resentment that follows rather than take the opportunity to deal with the problem right there?
This is sitting in Karpman’s drama triangle of assuming the roles of victim, martyr or bully. You can simply step off the triangle. Set aside any judgement you are making of others or events in the moment and instead choose to focus on the problem itself. Tune into deeper senses beyond fault and blame to how people feel. Who has or will suffer harm or loss? What can you do to prevent, alleviate or reduce that suffering?
When we step off the drama triangle, we start to care about how we make ourselves and others feel.
3. Are you deflecting responsibility?
Are you often in the state of reaction rather than response? When something unexplained or unexpected occurs do you bristle with fear and plunge into damage limitation mode? Do your automatic reactions tell you to delete or deflect, preparing disaster scenarios in your head as you run for cover?
We often fear being blamed, ridiculed or held up as a scape goat when, in fact, all we need to do is take responsibility for our part. When we pause to break down cause and effect, we realise that we may have contributed to something in part and it’s okay to admit that. If we are courageous enough to accept responsibility for our part, it emboldens others to do so too. By showing our willingness to be open, honest and vulnerable, we role model what compassion for ourselves looks like. And others feel that compassion and step into it too.
When we take responsibility for our part, we step into compassion with ourselves and others.
If we want to rehumanise our organisations, we need to rehumanise ourselves. We need to show greater compassion for ourselves in showing our vulnerabilities and imperfections. We must open our hearts to the gaps in ourselves and show compassion for them. In doing so, we make room for others to get comfortable with who they are too, from the inside out.
If you want to have greater impact on the people and businesses you serve, reach out to engage in C-Success Coaching at https://www.kiranscarr.com/coaching.