Dealing with the Difficult
In the closing weeks of 2023, there is one core theme I feel I must write about; challenging workplace behaviour. I am receiving increasing requests for coaching on how to better deal with a difficult boss, colleague or client. Some are feeling belittled or unvalued or are being unfairly treated or sabotaged. In some cases, employees have been subjected to abusive or unethical treatment. Whatever form it may take, its impact on us is the same. We feel demotivated, demeaned and dehumanised. And in many cases, we feel trapped; we tell ourselves we have little option but to put up until an alternative options comes our way.
Know its impact
We often listen to the thoughts inside our heads that tell us that it’s okay. There are voices that whisper that it’s not that bad and we are built of tough stuff. Voices that say hardship makes us stronger, builds our resilience and there is no gain without pain. Sometimes the voices also tell us that we must endure because we have family to support, people to please and others to think about. But these voices can lie to us. They are operating from a place of fear; the survival brain designed to meet the most basic needs of safety and security. Creating a misplaced sense of comfort in a situation that can be harmful and unsustainable in the long term. We endure difficulty because we have become de-sensitised to the absence of our own joy. Detached from our own suffering. So, we continue to exist amidst the chaos and turmoil of challenging behaviour. Not even noticing the absence of humanity in ourselves and each other.
Where do we go from here?
It’s time to change the way we deal with challenging behaviour in the workplace. Rather than feel helpless amidst the absence of connection at work, we must take positive steps to re-connect to the people around us at human level so that we can raise energy levels from the lowest frequencies of victim and conflict to more abundant frequencies like responsibility, concern and reconciliation*.
In the following five weekly blogs, I will share with you my experience of how we can better equip ourselves to deal with difficult relatioships. I will walk you through five essential steps we can take to help us re-humanise our experiences at work. I will take you on a journey of exploring and better understanding each of the following five steps:
Step 1: Protect your energy
Challenging behaviour is negative energy that has the power to displace other, more positive energy (like optimism and joy). In the face of difficult behaviour, we often shield ourselves through automatic survival mechanisms designed to protect life and limb – fight, flight or freeze. But these are fear responses that allow negative energy to prevail. If we want to truly protect ourselves, we must insulate ourselves from the impact of negative actions. We do this by choosing positive emotions, like empathy, compassion and conciliation. When we displace negative emotion with positive reflection, we negate traces of harm.
Step 2: Tackle the difficult conversation
Bad behaviour has lasting damage when we allow it to go unaddressed. So, we must address it at source. Rather than focus on how the problem presents itself at surface level (usually an attack or point of conflict), we must tackle the root of the issue. This requires inquiry and dialogue; we go in search of answers. We do this by having difficult conversations. That’s right! We engage. But we engage, not to attack or defend. We engage to learn.
Step 3: De-escalate each conflict as it arises
When someone engages in difficult behaviour they are probably operating through their ego. When ego rises, conflict usually ensues. But in the face of conflict, we have a choice. Instead of confronting their ego with your own ego, let it go. Submerge your ego. Remove the mask and tell them how you feel.
Step 4: Create clear boundaries of responsibility
Damage occurs to workplace relationships when a person abuses their authority over you. In many cases, leadership boundaries have never been articulated or upheld. So, we feel more exposed in the face of authority breach. If we want to stand up against challenging workplace behaviour, we must stand up for responsibility. We must make our responsibilities clear and take ownership of our part. In articulating and honouring our own boundaries, we cast a light on the responsibility of others.
Step 5: Know when it’s enough
In the face of aggression, it is common to feel powerless. We feel vulnerable and at risk and often respond by vacillating between the lowest frequencies of victim and conflict energy. And in this vacuum of hope, we lose connection to reality, persuading ourselves that there’s no way out. We turn the solitude onto ourselves and languish as victims – refusing to climb up to the higher vantage point of resourcefulness and capability. But we can choose differently. We can choose support. We can seek the support of others to help us see what we do not yet see as possible.
The essence of human nature is to survive. Somehow, over time, we have elected to pursue survival of Ourself over survival of Ourselves. Our organisations live and breathe this reality. We compete rather than collaborate. We criticise rather than praise. We demotivate rather than encourage. Our team dynamics can plummet to the lowest common denominator in the room. When we stand up and choose to tackle challenging workplace behaviour, one step at a time, we re-humanise ourselves and we humanise the organisations we serve.
If you are ready to lead yourself and others more consciously, reach out to find out more about The Conscious Lawyer Coaching Program at https://www.kiranscarr.com/coaching.
* For details on transforming your workplace through energy leadership, refer to Sneider B., Energy Leadership John Wiley & Sons 2008