Using emotion to create success
Yet another coaching client asked me this week how to deal with a toxic boss. She told me a familiar story of angry outbursts and passive aggressive threats unless she did what her boss wanted. My client is emotionally intelligent and feels her empathy greatly contributes to her struggle with toxic behaviour. She felt trapped and was in search of ways to protect her mental health in lieu of quitting her job. Our work together involved learning how to better apply emotional intelligence to detonate the ticking time bomb of a toxic boss.
Emotional intelligence in a nutshell
According to Goleman* there are 5 core elements of emotional intelligence as follows:
· Self-awareness - knowing your emotions
· Managing emotions – handling your feelings
· Self-motivation – using emotion to meet your goals
· Empathy – reading the feelings of others
· Handling relationships – influencing the effect you have on people.
Handling your feelings is probably the one aspect that gives us greatest scope for dealing with toxic behaviour in the workplace.
Managing emotion in the workplace
Life without passion is boring. As human beings, we need to experience the heights and crevices of emotion to appreciate where we can find our steady joy. In the workplace, however, managing emotion is a constant challenge. Many of the tasks we do every day – open emails, engage in office chatter, leave the office in time to be home for family – require us to manage mood, and balance the constant demand of our emotions. The way our brain works means we have limited control over when we are triggered, provoked or lulled into an emotional wave or spike and the lasting impact that has on the people around us.
Probably, the most problematic emotions are negative ones – anger, rage, frustration, shame, guilt. These may be triggered by an external incident, but often, our reaction has more to do with the inner critic in our head – the one who judges us, others or events and whispers lies that we believe. In the moment of reaction, we move from the negative thoughts in our head to instant action, without pause or consideration for another response.
There is a healthier path to follow. When we invoke emotional intelligence, in particular, focus on the feelings we have in the moment of conflict or challenge, we are better placed to respond. When we pause to consider our emotions, we sever the direct link between thought and action. In its place, we sit in our feelings and consciously choose another, better response.
Choosing to notice your uncomfortable feelings
Default reaction is going straight from thoughts to action. Conscious response means going from negative thought, to uncomfortable feeling, to positive action. This is what we can practice in the moment of trigger:
· Notice the negative emotion – it comes from a thought you tell yourself, but it is not who you are.
· Feel it – notice where in your body you feel the emotion and label the feeling. What is it? – anger, resentment etc. Try not to linger in the feeling or judge yourself for having it.
· Shift to positive attention – connect to your heart and look for something good to draw your attention away from the negative feeling. Refocus on a positive action you can find in that moment.
Here is an example. You deliver a piece of work to your boss. You have laboured long and hard over it and feel you deserve recognition for your effort. Your boss, distracted by the burdens of his own stress, immediately spots an error and throws the document back in your face, cutting you down in the process. You feel humiliated. You feel anger swelling inside; he does not value your contribution and makes you feel worthless. Your immediate, survival reaction is to fight. Instead, hold back and open your heart. Turn your attention away from your boss and towards the window. Notice the trees in the distance, swaying in the breeze. Reflect on what you are grateful for. And think about how you will feel when you no longer have to feel degraded by this person. Know that you are so much more than how this person makes you feel. These moments do not last. Step back from the conflict and remind yourself “The way he makes me feel is not who I am; it’s how he chooses to behave”. And watch where the negative feelings go. They dispel.
It is often easier to be in reactive mode; being drawn into the drama or conflict created around us. But that’s a choice. You can choose another response. You can open yourself up to noticing your feelings and replace them with positive attention instead. When you choose to handle your feelings, you are open to welcoming opportunities for greater growth and joy.
If you want to take the courageous leap to being a Conscious Lawyer, reach out to find out more about C-Success Coaching at https://www.kiranscarr.com/coaching.
*Daniel Goleman “Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can matter More Than IQ” Bantam First Edition 1995.