Dealing with the Difficult Step 1: Insulate
On the topic of dealing with difficult relationships, a coaching client of mine shared a story regarding a former colleague, let’s call him DA. As a leader, DA would side-step each problem in favour of blaming others. On one specific occasion, a significant deal fell away on the day of signing. The show-stopping issue was commercial and lay squarely in DA’s hands. He pre-empted criticism by complaining to the CEO that my client had dropped the ball at the eleventh hour. He then stopped by her office to say: “The deal tanked so I threw you under the bus.”. My client distinctly remembers how she felt in that moment. She was confused and angry. But instead of engaging, she retreated, battered and demoralised. She told herself that she was simply not up to the job, the environment, the politics. She told me that she blamed herself for not being smart enough to outwit DA. What I know from this story is that she did not need to be smarter then DA. She just needed to insulate herself better.
Challenging behaviour is negative energy that has the power to displace other, more positive energy (like optimism and joy). In the face of difficult behaviour, we often shield ourselves through automatic survival mechanisms designed to protect life and limb – fight, flight or freeze. But these are fear responses that allow negative energy to prevail. If we want to truly protect ourselves, we must insulate ourselves from the impact of disparaging words, ruthless behaviour or overt actions. We do this by choosing positive emotions, like empathy, compassion and conciliation.
How to insulate yourself from challenging behaviour
Here’s an exercise you can practice when you face a moment of confrontation or challenge:
Pause - draw your attention away from the negative behaviour and towards yourself.
Notice how you feel – try to identify the immediate emotion that is showing up.
Label it as negative energy – label the emotion but don’t judge yourself for feeling that way. If you judge, you increase the likelihood of shifting into conflict.
Stay neutral - just hold a space for the emotion as it is, not wishing it is different.
Draw your attention away from the negative emotion to something else – a detail that you see, a smell, a sound, another physical sensation in your body.
Notice it and draw yourself into it – focus on that detail and try to resist being drawn back to the negative emotion. Lose yourself in the attention of it, examine it and try to hold your attention for 30 seconds, or longer if you can.
Draw yourself back to your thoughts – ask yourself what positive action you want to take now.
By noticing and labelling a negative emotion, we can insulate ourselves from its impact. It stops the default reaction of associating someone else’s behaviour with how we feel about ourselves. It stops us listening to the stories we tell ourselves and instead focus on what is. And it helps us maintain our own energy levels rather than drop ourselves down to victim energy. In doing so we maintain our position of safeguarding ourselves and the people around us.
As we connect to ourselves, we connect to our own capability and resourcefulness. When we consider what we have, rather than what we feel others are taking away, we find the strength to lift ourselves up and move forward.
If you are ready to lead yourself and others more consciously, reach out to find out more about The Conscious Lawyer Coaching Program at https://www.kiranscarr.com/coaching.