Step off the drama triangle!

Picture this. You return to the office late one evening after a long day of intense meetings and an irate team member is waiting outside your door, keen to speak to you. It’s happened again, communication breakdown between this senior manager and her direct report. She complains bitterly about disrespect and failure to adhere to deadlines. She vents her frustration claiming lack of support and resources and the need for you to intervene.

As high-performance leader, the temptation is to immediately step in and troubleshoot. In the face of excessive workload and client pressure, the last thing you need is unresolved conflict in your team. So, the default reaction is to dive into the conflict to come up with a quick fix solution. In truth, however, your role as a conscious leader is to pause to elevate your point of view. You must observe the social dynamics at play and the roles you and your team members are adopting in your relationships with each other that contribute to an unhealthy and unsustainable environment.

The Drama Triangle

Dr. Stephen B Karpman, calls it the “Drama Triangle”. He defines three roles that we can adopt in the face of challenge; Victim, Rescuer and Persecutor. 

Victims adopt the persona of being oppressed, helpless and hopeless; denying responsibility for their negative situation and often blaming others for their plight. Their stance is "poor me!" and they surrender their ability to be proactive and resourceful. The anxiety created by a self-image of being powerless and incapable keeps them in search of someone to save them.

Rescuers are the classic workplace saviours. Overprotective and long-suffering, rescuers are “martyr types” who capitalise on a victim’s vulnerability.  By keeping busy focusing their energy on saving someone else, it enables them to ignore their own anxiety and issues. Entrenched in a cycle of co-dependency, rescuers cannot permit others to truly improve because their self-worth is bound to their perceived ability to save them. Therefore, rescuers become skilled in keeping their victims dependent through guilt and manipulation.

Persecutors overcome feelings of helplessness and shame by overpowering others. Because they deny their own vulnerability, persecutors need a victim upon whom they can project their fear. They are controlling and authoritative, often using anger to create the fear that makes the victim easy to control. They are inflexible and autocratic, lacking in empathy and self-awareness, ironically because they are afraid of becoming a victim themselves. In short, persecutors are the bullies of the drama triangle.

When we are entrenched in discomfort, feeling stressed or burnt out, we can easily adopt one of these roles.  As a junior member of the team, with limited experience or knowledge, it is common to slip into the role of victim deflecting responsibility for consequences onto a manager. As a manager under pressure to deliver without adequate resources or support, it is common to feel overburdened and invisible. In the face of this helplessness, it can go either way – you can step into rescuer to control results or step into persecutor to deflect blame.

What we can do

All we need to do, as individuals, is step off the drama triangle. We can become so preoccupied with delivery of results, we forget to focus on what ultimately matters; the impact our behaviour has on others.

Here are 5 top tips to help you and your team members step off the drama triangle and shift into more productive patterns and healthier ways of interacting.

1.       Respond rather than react

Pause, assess which roles you and your team members may be stepping into and choose a different response to your default reaction.

2.       Be clear on boundaries

Have your own clear boundaries, make them known and consistently uphold them. Understanding others’ boundaries and not stepping over them for personal gain is also key to holding the line.

3.       Be honest about the dynamics at play

Talk to your team members about the negative dynamics at play and have difficult conversations about situations where you or team members have stayed on the drama triangle – without criticism, judgement or blame.

4.       Rely on process

As a leader, you don’t always have all the answers and will need support from others to manage difficult conflicts. Come up with a clear process on what needs to happen to resolve a conflict, communicate that process to those involved, and apply the process as a tool in successfully managing and resolving the conflict.

5.       Be transparent

Communicate your concerns, your rationale and how you feel to team members involved. It’s important to humanise the problem as a way of shifting the conflict from adversarial to collaborative.

The role of a leader in resolving conflict does not always mean you step in. Often you are responsible for creating a social dynamic in your team that attracts entrenched positions. By stepping out of the drama triangle, you can effectively lead your team to healthier and more productive relationships.

If you want to take the courageous leap to being a Conscious Lawyer, reach out to find out more about C-Success Coaching at https://www.kiranscarr.com/coaching.