Dealing with the Difficult Step 4: Accept

I used to work with a challenging team member. I would describe her as Teflon-coated. She was great at deflecting onto others. She would avoid committing on an issue. She would pass the buck – to colleagues, external counsel, commercial colleagues. She would evade responsibility by creating smoke and mirrors around her role and blame others for any unfortunate consequences. It was exhausting and cast a shadow across our entire team dynamic. What I observed most was that she had no boundaries. On repeated occasions she would over-reach in her expectation of what others should do for her. But what I realised from our relationship was that I was contributing to the damaging impact of her unreasonable behaviour. Rather than communicate with her, I avoided her. Rather than be clear on what I wanted or expected from her, I resented her in silence. I failed to articulate my own boundaries around her.

When a colleague continually sits in the lower energy frequencies of victim and conflict, we are often lulled into the fray. We manage around them to compensate for their behaviour but the drama continues. This is because we have allowed ourselves to be drawn into undefined territory. And in doing so, we contribute to the escalating confusion and turmoil that drama creates. Instead, we must draw our own clear and consistent boundaries and claim ownership within them. Our communication of boundaries can look like this:

 1.      Be clear on:

• what you are responsible for

• what you have done in service of that responsibility

• what you have not done, even it is makes you uncomfortable

• what you need others to do to allow you to uphold your part going forward.

2.      Explore any differences of opinion as to what you are responsible for.

3.      Ask what is required for others to proceed with what they need to do.

Damage occurs to workplace relationships when a person abuses their authority over you. In many cases, leadership boundaries have never been articulated or upheld. So, we feel more exposed in the face of authority breach. If we want to stand up against challenging workplace behaviour, we must stand up for responsibility. We must make our responsibilities clear and take ownership of our part. In articulating and honouring our own boundaries, we cast a light on the responsibility of others.

If you are ready to lead yourself and others more consciously, reach out to find out more about The Conscious Lawyer Coaching Program at https://www.kiranscarr.com/coaching.