Dealing with the Difficult Step 3: De-escalate

In the early days of my first GC role, I faced an uphill struggle in changing the business’s experience of the new legal function I was building. In the initial stages of change, there was a lot of conflict. Regardless of what we said and how we said it, there was often the presumption that Legal was holding a red light that would stop business functions from achieving success. Our intention was never to stop business with a red light.  Our job was to facilitate and enable business to navigate from amber (conditional yes) to green (go). And yet, we would often find ourselves sitting in the office of a business colleague in a glaringly uncomfortable flashing red stand-off.

Conflict – when one ego meets another ego – and they speak in different languages.

In truth, there was nothing satisfying about being at loggerheads with colleagues. At the end of the day, lawyers are people pleasers – we just want to do a good job. And yet the more we do, the less satisfied people seem to be with what we have to share. Often, the more we say, the more angry and aggressive people become.

This is often because we lead conversations through our thinking mind instead of how we feel. Convinced that every situation can be explained through logic and reason, we focus on delivering messages in clear and concise terms. We sometimes punctuate our conversations with lighter touches, but generally, we are in task-mode and focus on just getting through to the end. We think we are behaving effectively and respectfully. So, we are surprised when our efforts are met with resistance, frustration and, in some cases, outburst.

I recall one specific conversation with a sales colleague. He had negotiated a long and complex commercial deal without input from Legal on optimum structure or terms. He came to my office to seek Legal approval two days before signing. I sat with him and explained that I had a few issues to discuss and resolve before he could proceed to sign. I gave him an example in the hope he would understand where I was coming from. I mentioned three different common contractual structures and asked him which one he was deploying. I admit, I used lawyer terms like ‘conventional structure’, ‘Legal templates’, ‘Ts & Cs’. And I watched with interest the impact my words had on my colleague. His ego rose and he attacked. ‘You lawyers and your mumbo jumbo,’ he said. ‘Always trying to stop us. Always putting problems and hurdles in our way. I’m doing YOU a favour coming here. And this is what I get?’.

In that moment I knew I had a choice. Yes, I could rise too; stand up for myself, my department, my reputation and tell him what I thought. But I made another choice. By then I had learnt the importance of my role in de-escalating conflict. I had learnt that I should not meet his ego with my own. I had to shift from my thoughts to my feelings.

I took a deep breath and I said this: ‘When you describe what I do with words like ‘mumbo jumbo’ and say that I put problems and hurdles in your way, do you know what happens?’.  He had not expected this response. He said nothing. So, I continued. ‘You make me feel small. You make me feel that you don’t respect me or value what I do for this organisation. And that makes me sad because I love what I do and the reason I’m here is to help you do your job and make this deal a huge success’. He looked at me in shock. Until that moment, I do not think he had ever seen the human side of me. In truth, I had never had the courage to show him that side of me. Who I am. By telling him how I felt, he opened up to telling me how he felt too. What followed was a conversation about the pressure he felt from management to get the deal done and how isolated he felt in trying to structure the deal without expertise in this area. We had moved from butting heads to putting our heads together to problem solve. We shifted from conflict to collaboration.

When someone engages in difficult behaviour they are probably operating through their ego. When ego rises, conflict usually ensues. But in the face of conflict, we have a choice. Instead of confronting their ego with your own ego, let it go. Submerge your ego. Remove the mask and tell them how you feel.

If you are ready to lead yourself and others more consciously, reach out to find out more about The Conscious Lawyer Coaching Program at https://www.kiranscarr.com/coaching.