When ego stops serving us

I used to work with an ego-centric leader. When I had the misfortune of spending time with him socially, he would recount stories of how his team members admired him, how he had proved his significance at the latest board meeting and how humble he felt in receiving such a large bonus. I listened to him not because I wanted to but because I had to; he was a key stakeholder. And as I tuned out the white noise of his self-validation, I would wonder what lay beneath the surface of this need to be recognised. What was he feeding inside? 

Our egos can wound us. In pressurized corporate environments, our egos can evolve from ambition to greed, self-esteem to arrogance, and confidence to superiority. In serving our ego-selves, we can become obsessed with being better than, more than, and recognized for. We measure our value by comparison to those we surround ourselves with, and we see others as means of serving our own self-interests.

You know when ego is controlling your leadership when the following behaviours show up.

As a leader, you are disconnected from ‘what is’

If we surround ourselves with people who silence themselves from dissent or critical feedback, we can become detached from perspective and truth. In this false sense of what is, we can acquire an overinflated view of our own significance and abilities, overestimate our value, and, in turn, devalue the effort and skills of the people around us who significantly contribute to our success. No longer interested in what is true, we become only interested in what we want to believe is true of ourselves. Because deep down, our biggest fear is failure.

As a leader, you act entitled

Mistaking our senior positions and titles for our actual identity, we can persuade ourselves that we are deserving of every advantage these may bring. We start to measure our success based on what others have and consider their success as coming at our own personal cost. We attract drama and conflict, and criticise and judge others to deflect from our own responsibility or mistakes. We do this because we are stuck in Maslow’s lowest level of the hierarchy of needs: the basic need of security. And because deep down, we fear that we are not enough and that one day we may be found out.

As a leader, you seek constant validation

Thinking that our senior positions are the sum of our self-worth, our primary concern becomes maintaining those positions at all costs. Focused on external factors to demonstrate our continued value, we become dissatisfied when we are not receiving constant praise and recognition for what we do. It is as if success does not happen unless someone sees it or ‘likes’ it. At its purest level, the validation is craved because, deep down, we feel we are not worthy.

 When we lead ourselves from ego, we are leading from a place of betrayal. We are not living up to who we are. We are living up to who we tell ourselves we are. It erodes our self-worth and it damages the relationships we form. We leave an indelible imprint of toxic behaviour on the people around us.

 What we can do

We can change. We can learn how to submerge our egos. There are 7 simple steps we can take to start this process of change:

 -         Be aware – it starts with self-awareness; looking for signs in your words or behaviour that your ego-self is showing up.

-         Observe, without judgement – observe what is happening when your ego-self shows up. Try not to shift immediately to judgement; stay neutral and focussed on what is happening.

-         Silence the inner critic – negative messages may be popping into your mind. Don’t extinguish them as this will enlarge their grip on you. Simply notice them and let them fall and rest undisturbed. They are just thoughts; not who you are.

-         Try a different response – Pause to respond rather than react. And choose a different response, from a place of curiosity and courage.

-         Notice the impact – A different response will have a different outcome. Notice it, without judgement or criticism of yourself. Use it as a source of learning.

-         Journal what you notice – Make a note of what you have noticed as a consequence of different action. Your feelings, reactions of others, results and look for the themes.

-         Rinse and repeat – Keep going with these steps and let the momentum of change push you forward.

When we submerge our egos, our focus changes from what others might think to how we make others feel. We become who we are; not who we tell ourselves we are. And this unleashes our unlimited potential to effect positive change on the people arounds us.

 If you are ready to change the way you lead to have greater impact, reach out to engage in C-Success Coaching at https://www.kiranscarr.com/coaching.