I’m for #ustoo
I attended a women’s networking event recently and I struck up conversation with a bright, young, dynamic lawyer. We talked about her career journey, achievements and aspirations and then she asked me about myself. I said a few sentences about where I was and what I’d done and she said “Oh, you’re one of those women.”. I was more surprised than offended. What a curious thing to say to a fellow professional women at a professional women’s networking event. I was intrigued, wanting to know more. I sought out a friend and fellow coach who was also attending the event and relayed the story to her. She smiled and replied “Why are you so surprised? I see this all the time. Women thinking they are in competition with other women, and just being mean”.
And there it was. We’ve come so far in creating greater opportunities for professional women to access board positions and seats at decision making tables and yet we’re still operating in scarcity mindset. Feeling we need to compete with others to get ahead. Assuming that the success of one comes at the cost to the rest of us. Telling ourselves that we can only achieve our goals if we quash the people around us. Belittling or besmirching the reputation of others just to make ourselves feel better about who we are (or who we tell ourselves we are).
When did it become okay to distinguish ourselves by extinguishing others?
#ustoo
We live in a time of equality for all. DEI is important and it is essential but it’s not only about protecting the interests of the disenfranchised. It’s about each and every one of us stepping up to a higher level of integrity as a person. Why? Because we want to ensure that we leave this earth in a better state than when we entered it. But, when faced with something that we feel must change, we often look for answers outside ourselves. We look at external factors like systems, measures and targets and we place our focus on others doing something for us. It becomes an exercise in entitlement to receive the benefit of change rather than focus on what we can do to make change happen. Rarely do we see that change around us happens through change first in ourselves, in particular, our attitudes to others.
“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.”
Maya Angelou
As professional women, we have a responsibility to make change happen. But this change does not come from seeking to control external factors to bend to our will. It comes from becoming flexible in our perception of who we are and how we can make a difference. Put simply, the greatest impact we can have is not in what we achieve, but how we behave in getting there.
What we must do
This is what I see to be our primary responsibilities in these challenging times:
1. Women support women
See success of others as contributing to your own success. Take time out your day to contribute to what others need – mentor colleagues, connect people in your network, spend time learning new things from the people around you.
2. Lift yourself up from victim and conflict energy levels
Don’t waste time creating or fueling drama. This means taking responsibility for your choices and actions and managing your reactions and responses. Rather than judge, attack or be defensive, lift yourself up to admit a mistake or contribution and accept the consequences of doing so. The most powerful two words I have learnt to say as a leader? “I’m sorry.”
3. Call out bad behaviour
The greatest impact happens when we act as positive role models. This means being vulnerable, being honest and being compassionate. Rather than antagonize, disrupt or publicly demonish, have difficult conversations. Have them privately, sensitively and respectfully. And don’t use them as an opportunity to grandstand or point score. Draw attention to the issue, leaving judgement firmly at the door.
I don’t profess to have all the answers to life and work as a professional woman. But I do know the challenges I face as a senior professional woman. And a majority of them arise from the choices I make. When faced with challenge, difficulty or conflict, I do one thing. I choose courage.
If you are ready to lead yourself and others more consciously, reach out to find out more about The Conscious Lawyer at https://www.kiranscarr.com